My first fiction

Nothing could be better then meeting an old friend after 6 years, that too in a land so far from your country. It was a pleasant surprise when I got Dhananjay's mail last week. He is in Philly, staying with his friends and working for a VLSI design company. I am at Hartford, 4 hours drive from his place working as a financial consolidation consultant. A domain where my knowledge is as little as a consultant should know. I decided to drive down in my rented Nissan at his place and had a nostalgic weekend. Now driving back to Hartford on a deserted I-84. It is 11.30 in night; tomorrow will be start of another long list of deliverables and workshops. But work is the last thing I want to think...

Driving during night is always fascinating. It is more so when you are alone, in another part of the world on a deserted high way. No towns on sides. Just planes for miles and a constant humming of your engine. Vast plains on both sides of roads stretched to eternity. There was no moon, just bright stars spread with such beauty which you can't imagine staying in those busy business streets. A perfect setting for thinking about life!!

From dusty town of Nimbahera, it has been a long journey for me. Life is interesting!!! It is about setting parameters of success based on expectations of society and then chasing them. But this concept of “success” itself is hazy and mostly determined by one’s purpose of life. And here lies the disillusionment. Is becoming successful (As defined by society) should be our purpose of life. Or is it that purpose itself is very personal for every one and hence the Success factor also varies with every individual.

Some people understand the purpose of their life and set goals according to that. And not by what society force them to. I feel they are luckier and happier then me. They live life on their terms. But then there are people like us, most of us, who chase dreams which are not ours. With every pop of champagne there is whisper which politely ask us, " Is this what you want buddy" Among applauds and celebrations, we always chose to ignore this question. Like many do. But it is difficult to ignore this question now. I looked around and lowered the window slightly. It is cold. I was driving at constant speed, not too fast, not too slow. This is what people may say, being in peach with myself. I suddenly felt closer to nature, to life and with myself.

I love thinking about life. I was always a day dreamer. But when you grow up and you are forced to project yourself as extrovert, it is difficult to find such time for yourself. I noticed on side, some exit was approaching. My exit should be easily 90 miles away. Less then 2 hours…. I changed lane, and focused on road.

Equally lucky are those for whom purpose of life is just achieving success. Chasing those parameters of success set by society. You keep on getting them and life moves on. No worries of purpose and all. Probably as they say, ignorance is bliss.

A truck overtook me and bends a little awkwardly. A turn too sharp for its momentum I guess. Then it suddenly braked. Jesus... I don't know how I managed to avoid it. I controlled the steering and looked back. The truck was stopped half covering the road. I cursed and decided to move on. A few seconds later I looked from my rearview. I could see the headlights of the truck far away. I think it was still there. Must be some drunken fellow… I thought and decided to move back to my thoughts.

And when I try to map myself into those parameters of success, the illusion broadens. I am not sure what I want from this life, the purpose. Also I am not too exited running behind the parameters as set by the society. I am somewhere in middle, confused, scared and may be alone. I looked at the planes on starlit night. They were beautiful. Then there was this Milky Way. I am not sure when last I appreciated that. Last 5 years were busy.

The truck incident had shaken me up. I pondered over the idea of pulling over and stop for some time. Rationally it was risky and unusual of me but I felt like doing it. Surprisingly there was no fear. Sometimes you just want to be on your terms instead of what you are expected to do logically. I stopped the car, came out and looked around. Pure stillness; Heaven. The wind was slightly chill but I liked it that way. I thought about my family, my love and my friends. Back in India, it must be afternoon at this time. They must be busy in their work or having lunch. Will they be remembering me at this time?

I leaned on bonnet and tried to think what I am doing so far at this place in night when I must be near to those people who matter to me most, people who love me and worry about my well being. Isn’t it a purpose of my life to give them all happiness and support? What I am doing here then. Am I on right road of my life? And if I am lost, is it too late to go back to basic and try to find the right path? Excitement is missing. Life has been predictable yet successful. Full of achievements but yet useless. I looked around to see if I can spot any alien creature spying on me. No red eyes, no green skins around me. I smiled as I looked up in sky to spot some half human, half bat creature. There was none. I decided to move on and got into car. I looked back at rear seat to see if I have any company of some serial killer. Hard luck. I turned the key and expected car to disobey. It didn’t. I turned on the light. What if there is some strange sight on the road. Nothing but long stretch of tar vanishing into darkness. Finally it is time to go home. I sighed.

Journey after that was eventless. I crossed some exits and decided against stopping anywhere. Traffic was still very less. I saw red blue lights of an ambulance rushing past me. As I took right at my exit, I wondered over stillness of the town. I felt need to be with people who matter to me. Chasing dreams, jobs, money was unattractive suddenly. I am nearing discovering my own little purpose. No more onsite assignments for me I decided. I will go back, look for a house. It is high time I should propose to my love and marry her. Bring parents home and find a role which can give me money and time in the correct measure. Yes, it is time to restructure my life finally and not those financial processes.

I stopped in front of my building. The moon was rising from the horizon. Another beautiful sight. This was a great Trip. I got into my apartment and felt like having tea. I put water to heat and changed. There was no milk but I had developed the taste of black tea so it was ok. Sleep was miles away from my eyes. I was so exited about my future. I switched on the TV with mug of tea in my hand. I browsed some channels while lost in my thoughts. Some teen age comedy show was up at one channel. There was this cooking show on another. Someone was trying to sell some fitness equipment. A movie based on some war, Vietnam may be. A news channel reporting some accident on highway. I stopped momentarily as I looked at the images behind the TV Reporter. The car involved in the accident is same as of mine. Camera moved slightly as I looked at the number plate of the car.

I looked at my mug. The tea was feeling tasteless as its color started fading. Slowly.